Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Finally a Plateau In My Life

I am neither here nor there, up nor down, neither on a hill nor in a valley.I have stopped on this tilt a whirl, and can finally look around and breathe.Where am I, where do I go from here? The anger of my father's death has receded enough I can see through the red haze that was covering my eyes.You can not imagine what I felt when I found out, not only was he gravely ill, but had already passed into a coma after surgery.The hatred I continue to feel for my mother, and sisters is an insurmountable pain.I have never in my life truly hated another human being, even after they treated me so cruelly, I've always felt there was two sides to every story, and so felt no hate toward them,I simply felt they saw things differently than I did. To keep peace I stayed away, because conflict was not good for anyone, and said I would have to love them from afar. I had not seen them in three years due to my health that kept me bed bound, just as much as to avoid conflict.They knew my health was poor, but no one came to see me during those three years, and in the past(except for once),I was always the one to reach out to them to try to foster a relationship.So for me not to know my father was ill was understandable, but when cancer was diagnosed and surgery recommended, they should have contacted me, when the surgery turned out bad, they should have contacted me, when the decision was made to stop life support, they should have contacted me, when HE DIED, THEY SHOULD HAVE CONTACTED ME!!!!!!! My dad's great niece who is paralyzed from neck down is the one who had her mom (my dad's sister's daughter) to call.Not my sisters, NOT EVEN MY MOTHER called me!!!!! They all knew I loved my dad tremendously and NEVER had words with him, NEVER fought with him.Regardless of our differences, she should have called.Tears are flowing down my face, no matter how much I feel I have almost come to terms with his death,and the circumstances surrounding his death,I find myself with tears flowing freely and a painful ache in my heart.
My grandmother raised me for the most part.From birth until I was walking I stayed with her and papa mouse. MY dad's mom confirmed that before she died a long time ago.She said she never understood why Kathy treated me this way, but she saw the difference in which I was treated.When school started I stayed with Nanny and papa on weekends and holidays, my older sister stayed with my aunt and uncle, not as much away from mom as me, but enough.We really grew up separate most of the time, and so, we never got along.My oldest sister and I are two years apart by mom's first husband who left her while she was pregnant with me. MY youngest sister is five years younger than me,and mom and dad's only biological child. When Ronnie left mom, he took the car that was paid off, emptied the bank account, called her father(my papa mouse) and said he was leaving her, and left her with a car payment,no money, a one and half year old and pregnant according to mom(two sides to every story).Mom married dad when I was one year old.I asked dad once if he could be my biological dad, he said he wished he was, but he was in Vietnam at the time.I was told he wanted to adopt me,and my sister but Ronnie refused to sign the papers.I also heard rumors (from an aunt) that Ronnie questioned whether I was his or not. I also was told by that same aunt that she caught my mom and another man in a bubble bath together while Ronnie was at work. I heard I look exactly like Ronnie's sister who committed suicide. I've never seen pictures of any of Ronnie's family including him.I could have passed my bio dad on the street and never knew who he was.Who knows what to believe.

I married at 15 years of age and moved into my inlaw's basement, and gave birth two months after turning sweet 16.I never knew what a mother should be like until then, but really my Nanny and papa was my parents though they were the best grandparents/parents you could hope for,I still worshipped my dad(biologically he's my step dad, but he never made that distinction, my mom did though, publicly).But really my inlaws showed me what the ideal parents and grandparents to my kids should be like.They treated me like one of their own from the beginning, we even had separate entrance to the partially finished basement to encourage my family to visit, but they never would,I don't think they ever did see where I lived.You know, we had barely enough money to survive on, and was saving for a home of our own when my mom and sister had a fit because I was not going to have a birthday party for my one year old, so I scrimpt on what I ate so we could have cake and ice cream for my son's party, and they(none of them in my family) showed up, didn't even say they weren't coming.That was a big wall mom erected then and it never was completely removed, though I tried to forgive them, and for awhile I'm sure I did, but now with all the other painful cuts she made,it just brings more attention to the scars that has been there all along.

I would not have known how to wash/dry/iron clothes, or keep house, or care for my son if it had not been for my mother-in-law and father-in-law.They taught me so much more than that, and still I'm learning from them, thank God.That's enough ranting and raving for now.

I would like to say that my pain is tolerable right now when I lay still, except first half of the day when it's time to change my pain patch(every 3 days).I can handle that though, about six hours versus days every other day.I'm not having to take breakthrough pain meds for the last two weeks! I'm on track with my humera shots for the last six weeks(shot every 2 weeks).I'm not suppose to take the shot if I'm sick or there's a lot of illness in the house, but even though I had a sore throat I decided I can't postpone this shot, and the cold has gotten worse, but I had to risk it.I'm starting to see some improvements, though they are small, they are big to me.I can walk to the bathroom and seldom stumble from the pain and stiffness, the stiffness in my fingers doesn't last as long in the mornings.I feel a little more hopeful.I just want a few good years out of the wheelchair, just a few, to spend with my family making memories.My two little ones don't remember me when I was freely walking.I want to give them that just for a little while if God will grant me that wish.I want to walk on the beach hand in hand with my husband. MY strength is zero, so I have to build that up, will probably take at least a year.When I walk twenty feet to and from the bathroom I'm tired and achy and weak.I've ventured into the kitchen twice this week, it's about 30 to 40 feet I guess, and I'm very happy about that! I've sat up for 15 minutes once every other day to eat, which I've not done in over a year.I usually eat laying flat on my back.The knots over my sacroiliac joints swell off and on, the right side is constantly with some amount of swelling. They keep me from sitting up for any length of time, the pain is really bad immediately after laying down from sitting up even just the fifteen minutes.This is why I can't just use my wheelchair to get around.Even though it lays back it doesn't go flat, this is why road trips are out.The amount of pain pills required for me to handle the trip makes me nauseous, sleepy, irritable, and I pay dearly later on for the trip, I'm talking days in pain.My family guilted me into a beach trip, with a compromise which I prayed at the time would work.We drove only halfway which was two hours on the road then an overnight stay in a hotel.It was tolerable going down, but coming back Joey didn't want to stay in the same hotel, so he decided to drive a little further,I told him he wouldn't find anything else, but he insisted, that turned out to be a major mistake, because I ended up over three hours on the road without a break.He did make up for it by stopping at a hotel overnight even though we only had one hour left in the trip, but honestly,I could not have taken the pain anymore.The pills simply were not strong enough.I'm glad I went even if I had to stay in the room on some days.I loved being there with them hearing how things went when they came back to the condo all excited.The best treat of all was when Joey's parents joined us.We were so thrilled they were there. Joey and I were even able to go out one evening alone! That was so much more precious than you can know.My condition will gradually declined with periods of remission that for me are simply a little less pain, not true absence of symptoms.I don't know what will happen, how I will feel from one day to the next, but for now I'm smiling. The thirty minutes of liquid fire spreading in my skin every two weeks is worth it for a few days like this.I thought long and hard about writing my story, opening myself up to strangers, bearing my soul, showing the ugliness of my life, and myself, for, yes, I'm human, and therefore not perfect.The conclusion I came to was: if I have nothing else left to contribute,I will contribute the viewing of my soul.The bible says, judge not that ye be not judged.So,until you walk where I have been, be careful where you point your fingers.To quote a cliche... for the single finger you point, there are three pointing back.

Once again, forgive the typos here's to hoping you get the jist of it.

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