Monday, August 17, 2015

Been a long time since I wrote. So long in fact, that I almost forgot how to publish anything. I so enjoyed the recent book I read that I felt I needed to share. I think I will try to write more. I think it will help me to process some of what I've been going through. Also, just in case I haven't mentioned this, I've been creating on the PicsArt app under the name @doodlesmanuel. So, go check out my work. If I can figure out how,I will publish my work here. Thank you for listening to my rantings, it's nice to know my voice is heard by at least one other person....
Best series ever read, and the
best Author is Susan Kelley. These are Kindle Unlimited books, so the $11 you spend to rent 10 books a month is definitely going to pay for itself with this series! Bundled into one large book the
Warriors of Gaviron (books 1, 2, & 3) by Susan Kelley is the best Sci-fi book I've ever read. It's about these "aliens" from Gaviron whose home world was destroyed by giant alien spiders (raynids) while a group of Gaviron's warriors were off-world training. They came home to find their world destroyed, they vowed to find this alien ship, & destroy it: killing these raynids as they went. They stumble upon Earth colonies destroyed the same as their world, & eventually find a world with survivors that matched their DNA. Their new mission was decided to try to breed with humans to allow Gaviron to live on, continuing to fight raynids.The story continues as they travel colony to colony, but the story includes the personal relationships of the remaining warriors of Gaviron, & their fight for survival alongside the humans. This book includes twists & turns I didn't see coming, kept me on the edge with fighting action, sci-fi info, interpersonal relationships of a fighting brotherhood, & some romance as well. The ending is unexpected & a pleasant surprise. This is the best book I've ever read, but this does contain some adult content, so personally I recommend it for ages 15 & up. As always, you must make the decision for your child, but definitely enjoy reading it yourself.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Just another day

Have you ever been so emotionally tired the world seemed to exist
outside your current state of
mind. You knew not to look into
anyone else's troubles for fear
of mental overload. I'm no good
to anyone when I'm like this. I
know better than to look into my
past, for the ghosts that haunt
me have more substance to them
when I feel this way, they have
so much more ability to damage
my psyche.I hope to soon delve
into my past, and slay the
demons with ink, and paper, but
for now I must escape into
another's work in print, to
another's world, and hope I'm
able to emerge stronger.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Recent email to author
Ms. Colleen Hoover,
I haven't felt compelled to write an author in a long time, but your book, Finding Cinderella, inspired me. The story was phenomenal, but left me desperately wishing for a follow-up novel. I enjoyed the touching, down to earth story.You'd be surprised at how often such stories occur, maybe not as dramatic, or specific, but close.
The following is a brief glimpse into my life feel free to delete, the main purpose of my letter was in the first paragraph.
I was a 15 year old bride, and a 16 year old mother. I kept my son, married, and will celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary on Christmas day 2013 with a 26,14,11,& 10 year old boys to happily show for it. We love each other very much, but our friends were not so lucky. Kids our age,and some a few years older, and one a year younger went through the same unplanned pregnancy traumas.One, a cousin 14, pregnant, was married, and soon divorced (she went on to marry twice more before finding love and two more kids 11 years later), another 16 year old on acne medication, pregnant with an incompatible-with-life child she was forced to abort, was devastated. Yet another two pregnant at 16 to 17, married, living hand-to-mouth as most of us did and still are. Another of my 15 year old friends chose abortion the first time, she also was devastated even though it was by choice, she went on to have another child at 16 (I'm not sure if that was subconsciously intentional through guilt, and sadness, or not) she married a while after the girl was born (the father took a while to decide, he was young too, but finally stepped up to become serious, and financially support her), a few years later she had another that was still-born, she blamed herself (thinking it was punishment for her previous abortion), then a third healthy boy was born, she still works as a waitress at 42 years old, just as her daughter does.Yet another girl,13 or 14 years old went to our church, was raped, and became pregnant by her DAD! She left the community and I don't know what became of her. There were many others but I was not close to them.
Please remember this occurred in the 1980s in a bible belt, small community where you couldn't just go to the pharmacy to get condoms because everyone would know before you left the store. Abortion was considered a grave sin equal to murder by all the churches. One road has 13 churches within 15 minutes of each other on only ONE ROAD.
This is only a few occurrences I knew fairly well all attending the same small town high, and jr high school within a four year span of time. Some adults tried to get the school to provide a place for child care on school grounds with bus transport, or near it so they would be able to graduate, but the principle said it might encourage such behavior and was even quoted as saying 'they've made their bed, now they'll have to lie in it. '. Such statements are born of ignorance, arrogance, self righteousness, and just plain evilness in my opinion. Yeah, real Christian-like in the small community of ------ County, NC. Some of the adults were able to get 'home bound' where a teacher would come to your home to keep you up on school work after your seventh month only during pregnancy if unable to come to school due to complications (I finished 10th grade that way because I had preeclampsia). Other adults provided GED counseling at the library (I got to go to that also later).They were the few who didn't turn their backs on us. My own mom told me I should apologize to my sister for the shame I caused her. My friends shunned me, said their mom's wouldn't let them talk to me! As if it was contagious! I had to get up in front of the church and apologize, but the preacher said we were 'doing the right thing' by getting married. HA! I guess after all these years I still have demons to purge. I worked hard, took night classes at the high school, until the other teen mom I was riding with had to quit to go to work, she didn't have enough family cash support to finish high school, my husband, and I only had one car and he worked two jobs so even at night I had no transport. I eventually worked my tail off, got my GED, worked hard at McDonald's for five years, went to nursing school, and became an LPN (only one fifth of the original students graduated, it was that hard). I was lucky, not many of my friends have had such a great life. These struggles happen every day, the results vary, but one thing they all have in common is that the sacrifice we all made for our children changed our lives forever. My husband never got to go to the NAVY, and I never became the architect, and designer we both dreamed of becoming as kids. Our eldest never had the cash to go to a four year college. The effects of an unplanned pregnancy lasts for generations, unfortunately. I hope you see how your stories reflect our lives, and I thank you for such a moving tale. I have rheumatoid arthritis and am now bed bound with bathroom trips, or sitting up only ten minutes at a time all I'm capable of doing. I have only your, and other author's stories to take me from reality, and I thank you. Please don't make public my name, but if you wish, feel free to use my info as inspiration. I know you would do it justice. I wish I could write my own story, maybe I will some day. I wish you the best.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Finally a Plateau In My Life

I am neither here nor there, up nor down, neither on a hill nor in a valley.I have stopped on this tilt a whirl, and can finally look around and breathe.Where am I, where do I go from here? The anger of my father's death has receded enough I can see through the red haze that was covering my eyes.You can not imagine what I felt when I found out, not only was he gravely ill, but had already passed into a coma after surgery.The hatred I continue to feel for my mother, and sisters is an insurmountable pain.I have never in my life truly hated another human being, even after they treated me so cruelly, I've always felt there was two sides to every story, and so felt no hate toward them,I simply felt they saw things differently than I did. To keep peace I stayed away, because conflict was not good for anyone, and said I would have to love them from afar. I had not seen them in three years due to my health that kept me bed bound, just as much as to avoid conflict.They knew my health was poor, but no one came to see me during those three years, and in the past(except for once),I was always the one to reach out to them to try to foster a relationship.So for me not to know my father was ill was understandable, but when cancer was diagnosed and surgery recommended, they should have contacted me, when the surgery turned out bad, they should have contacted me, when the decision was made to stop life support, they should have contacted me, when HE DIED, THEY SHOULD HAVE CONTACTED ME!!!!!!! My dad's great niece who is paralyzed from neck down is the one who had her mom (my dad's sister's daughter) to call.Not my sisters, NOT EVEN MY MOTHER called me!!!!! They all knew I loved my dad tremendously and NEVER had words with him, NEVER fought with him.Regardless of our differences, she should have called.Tears are flowing down my face, no matter how much I feel I have almost come to terms with his death,and the circumstances surrounding his death,I find myself with tears flowing freely and a painful ache in my heart.
My grandmother raised me for the most part.From birth until I was walking I stayed with her and papa mouse. MY dad's mom confirmed that before she died a long time ago.She said she never understood why Kathy treated me this way, but she saw the difference in which I was treated.When school started I stayed with Nanny and papa on weekends and holidays, my older sister stayed with my aunt and uncle, not as much away from mom as me, but enough.We really grew up separate most of the time, and so, we never got along.My oldest sister and I are two years apart by mom's first husband who left her while she was pregnant with me. MY youngest sister is five years younger than me,and mom and dad's only biological child. When Ronnie left mom, he took the car that was paid off, emptied the bank account, called her father(my papa mouse) and said he was leaving her, and left her with a car payment,no money, a one and half year old and pregnant according to mom(two sides to every story).Mom married dad when I was one year old.I asked dad once if he could be my biological dad, he said he wished he was, but he was in Vietnam at the time.I was told he wanted to adopt me,and my sister but Ronnie refused to sign the papers.I also heard rumors (from an aunt) that Ronnie questioned whether I was his or not. I also was told by that same aunt that she caught my mom and another man in a bubble bath together while Ronnie was at work. I heard I look exactly like Ronnie's sister who committed suicide. I've never seen pictures of any of Ronnie's family including him.I could have passed my bio dad on the street and never knew who he was.Who knows what to believe.

I married at 15 years of age and moved into my inlaw's basement, and gave birth two months after turning sweet 16.I never knew what a mother should be like until then, but really my Nanny and papa was my parents though they were the best grandparents/parents you could hope for,I still worshipped my dad(biologically he's my step dad, but he never made that distinction, my mom did though, publicly).But really my inlaws showed me what the ideal parents and grandparents to my kids should be like.They treated me like one of their own from the beginning, we even had separate entrance to the partially finished basement to encourage my family to visit, but they never would,I don't think they ever did see where I lived.You know, we had barely enough money to survive on, and was saving for a home of our own when my mom and sister had a fit because I was not going to have a birthday party for my one year old, so I scrimpt on what I ate so we could have cake and ice cream for my son's party, and they(none of them in my family) showed up, didn't even say they weren't coming.That was a big wall mom erected then and it never was completely removed, though I tried to forgive them, and for awhile I'm sure I did, but now with all the other painful cuts she made,it just brings more attention to the scars that has been there all along.

I would not have known how to wash/dry/iron clothes, or keep house, or care for my son if it had not been for my mother-in-law and father-in-law.They taught me so much more than that, and still I'm learning from them, thank God.That's enough ranting and raving for now.

I would like to say that my pain is tolerable right now when I lay still, except first half of the day when it's time to change my pain patch(every 3 days).I can handle that though, about six hours versus days every other day.I'm not having to take breakthrough pain meds for the last two weeks! I'm on track with my humera shots for the last six weeks(shot every 2 weeks).I'm not suppose to take the shot if I'm sick or there's a lot of illness in the house, but even though I had a sore throat I decided I can't postpone this shot, and the cold has gotten worse, but I had to risk it.I'm starting to see some improvements, though they are small, they are big to me.I can walk to the bathroom and seldom stumble from the pain and stiffness, the stiffness in my fingers doesn't last as long in the mornings.I feel a little more hopeful.I just want a few good years out of the wheelchair, just a few, to spend with my family making memories.My two little ones don't remember me when I was freely walking.I want to give them that just for a little while if God will grant me that wish.I want to walk on the beach hand in hand with my husband. MY strength is zero, so I have to build that up, will probably take at least a year.When I walk twenty feet to and from the bathroom I'm tired and achy and weak.I've ventured into the kitchen twice this week, it's about 30 to 40 feet I guess, and I'm very happy about that! I've sat up for 15 minutes once every other day to eat, which I've not done in over a year.I usually eat laying flat on my back.The knots over my sacroiliac joints swell off and on, the right side is constantly with some amount of swelling. They keep me from sitting up for any length of time, the pain is really bad immediately after laying down from sitting up even just the fifteen minutes.This is why I can't just use my wheelchair to get around.Even though it lays back it doesn't go flat, this is why road trips are out.The amount of pain pills required for me to handle the trip makes me nauseous, sleepy, irritable, and I pay dearly later on for the trip, I'm talking days in pain.My family guilted me into a beach trip, with a compromise which I prayed at the time would work.We drove only halfway which was two hours on the road then an overnight stay in a hotel.It was tolerable going down, but coming back Joey didn't want to stay in the same hotel, so he decided to drive a little further,I told him he wouldn't find anything else, but he insisted, that turned out to be a major mistake, because I ended up over three hours on the road without a break.He did make up for it by stopping at a hotel overnight even though we only had one hour left in the trip, but honestly,I could not have taken the pain anymore.The pills simply were not strong enough.I'm glad I went even if I had to stay in the room on some days.I loved being there with them hearing how things went when they came back to the condo all excited.The best treat of all was when Joey's parents joined us.We were so thrilled they were there. Joey and I were even able to go out one evening alone! That was so much more precious than you can know.My condition will gradually declined with periods of remission that for me are simply a little less pain, not true absence of symptoms.I don't know what will happen, how I will feel from one day to the next, but for now I'm smiling. The thirty minutes of liquid fire spreading in my skin every two weeks is worth it for a few days like this.I thought long and hard about writing my story, opening myself up to strangers, bearing my soul, showing the ugliness of my life, and myself, for, yes, I'm human, and therefore not perfect.The conclusion I came to was: if I have nothing else left to contribute,I will contribute the viewing of my soul.The bible says, judge not that ye be not judged.So,until you walk where I have been, be careful where you point your fingers.To quote a cliche... for the single finger you point, there are three pointing back.

Once again, forgive the typos here's to hoping you get the jist of it.

Friday, October 26, 2012

My Life second entry

I am now on humera shots.They really started working after two or three months.The problem came in when we went on vacation.I tried to get
Joey to take the boys and
leave me, but he wouldn't.He
needed this vacation, and the
boys did too, but he said if I didn't go, nobody would go.
So I felt I had no choice, and
I thought since I was feeling
a little better I would be ok.
I should have known better.
I wasn't well enough for the long painful ride or the exhausting pace of outings daily.You must remember,I don't go out but once every
two or three months, nowhere.
I tried, but I only went once
to the beach, twice to the
pools during our week long
visit, out to eat probably
five times.That's alot for me!
Well, the big kicker was, before
I left I found out my dad was
sick,I didn't know he was in the hospital, but I had not seen my
family in three years after
an argument with my mom, but
me and dad have never had
problems, so I was devastated
to find out not only was he
sick, but in a coma after an
operation but in the next days I found out he died!
Here I am hundreds of miles away and one of the few
people on my side of the
family that I love has died.You know how I found
out? My cousin told me!
Not my mom or one of my two sisters, but my cousin!
Not even an aunt or uncle!
Sure I haven't seen them in
three years, but dad would
never have done that! Mom,
yeah,I can see her doing it
she is vengeful and mean,
but dad never would have
wanted me to find out this way.I never got to say
goodbye! This is too
painful.I can't see through
the tears to swype so I will pick up the story
later.This is coming from my phone so forgive
the errors, thanks.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

My Life Chapter One

I'm posting from my cell
phone. So please forgive
the errors, for my phone
does not like to blog,but she
will just have to get over
it, right!I have been
previously undecided as to
whether I would publish info
on my personal,I mean deeply
personal, life.I decided I
would, but only for me,for
I need to get these things
in my head,out. What I'm
about to begin publishing
on my blog is not meant to
hurt anyone, or get revenge
for the wrongs that have been
committed against me.I believe
there are two sides to every
story.I only wish to unburden
my heart, and maybe, help
someone else who is going
through the same thing, to
let you know, you are not
alone. it goes.

Today started out well.I woke
up in less pain than usual,
always a good way to start out.
Things had not been going so
well recently.The beginning of
the year was bad.Got worse in
July 2012.I guess I need to
give you a little info first.
I have diabetes, which slows
me down in and of itself, but
I also have rheumatoid arthritis
(RA) which really throws a
monkey wrench in the works.
The pain and disability from
RA affects everyone differently.
In my case things got bad
fast, but I was misdiagnosed
for years before my foot
doctor, yes, MY PODIATRIST,
figured it out! Talk about
a total fuck up! Yes,I was
pissed! See, the reason an
early diagnosis is important,
is because irreversible
damage it's being done to my
body the longer I'm without
treatment.The reason it was
missed is because I have what
is called seronegative RA.
Meaning certain indicators
in my blood don't show the
usual test results that shout
out you have RA.Many people
have the same thing happen
to them. The medication we
need is not given soon enough
to slow the progression of the
disease, so our own blood
cells eat away at us, destroying
us.Unfortunately, there is no
cure, only a delay with meds.
My job was very physically
demanding, but I loved it.
The more I pushed myself, the
worse the disease became, until
I couldn't take anymore.It was
quit working, or suicide.You
know what I chose.The pain
left me alone, crying in my
new rheumatologist's office
with swollen joints, and a
broken spirit. I was alone
when he told me the brutal
truth.He said I would never
be able to work again. Not
only that, but there was no
cure, and I would continue
to worsen, eventually I
would, quite possibly, be in
a wheelchair.Even with the
brutal honesty,I clung to the
hope that studies show
seronegative RA patients are
often less damaged than those
others, boy was I wrong.No
one knows why people are affected
differently, or why it strikes
at differing ages.Even the
Children are not spared.I
would not wish this on anyone!
My family varied in their
responses, many not understanding
the meaning of the diagnosis.
It affects the persons whole
body, but the medications to
slow the autoimmune disease
down, can be deadly.The doc
started out with low doses of
methotrexate, a proven old
med.He had to continue to
increase the dose to get the
swelling down combined with
joint injections, but my liver
couldn't take it, so we had to
lower the dose.This went on
for years with med adjustments.
If only I could take
Prednisone on a regular basis
I would be in better shape,
but it causes the bloodsugar
to go up dangerously high,
which is in itself a deadly
disease, incurable, damaging
organs on it's own rampage.
When things got so severe
I could hardly make it to
the bathroom,I would take a
tapering dose for a limited
time, it helped alot.During
these years I endured many
side effects,one of which was
more difficult than the others
was the fatigue due to the
diseases and meds.The horrid
pain came close to putting
the nail in my coffin, but the
fatigue isolated me from
everyone cementing the
emotional downfall.Please
don't feel sorry for me, this
is not why I'm doing this, it
is for emotional healing and
it is my hope, through my
self-imposed healing,I will
help someone else.I have
given so much info today I
think I will stop for now.But
I want to place a thank you
on the wind to whomever created
the microphone on the virtual
keyboard which combined with
the swipe technology in the
keyboard allows me to 'write'.


I am going nuts getting use to this blog thing.
Forgive me if I am sending half posts or typos.
My phone does not work well with this setup.
I couldn't remember if I told
You how great author Nicky
Charles is.You must read
The Mating, The Keeping, and
The Finding.Adults only though.
Still working on writing my own
novel, I'm on chapter three,
I know, pathetic, right?
Well I figure it will take me
at least a year or more.It's
not going to be a short story.
Not.At.All.I don't think I
could make it short, because
the story is writing itself
and it has started out great,
with alot of info to get out
there. The characters are
starting to fill out nicely.
I'm not being conceted, it's
that it has a life of it's
own.It's kindof hard to explain
how a story writes itself, but
mine has, strange ain't it.
It's about werewolves, but not
traditional at all.The story is
important to me, so I'm afraid
if I put it in my blog as I'm
working on it someone will take
it from me, so I'll just have
to wait until it's done before
I can put it out there.I'm not
sure if it will be free, but
it will be cheep if nothing
else.I hate out when an author
charges too much for an ebook.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Passing of Life

My life has been one of passing, my children's childhood passing before me, helpless, and hopeless to stop it, while they slip through my grasp, and grow before my eyes. A life of passing, as time flows through the proverbial hourglass, my youth, my health, and my life passes on into a dark abyss never to be the same again. Next July my eldest turns 25, next month my second turns 13, a teenager in every sense of the word. My third just turned 10, and is already becoming surrounded by the worries of life's responsibilities. My fourth, at 8, is following close behind, though his levity is a balm to my soul. My hopes for my children grow every day, and my amazement of them is only eclipsed by the awe I feel for who they are. Funny, inteligent, couragous, thoughtful, loving, caring, with a heart of gold, my boys are my reason for remaining in this life, and yet I fear I am not worthy to raise these gifts. They are, you know, pure gifts from GOD, and as angry as I am with him, even I have to admit, he has made each one perfect. I can only hope I do not do more harm than good.

Julia Sheer - You Will Never Be

50 shades of gray

Funny how information comes from the most unlikely sources. I was wanting to increase my internet speed, so I called Timewarner Cable. The lady I spoke with was VERY patient with me as I asked her question after question about my plan, and how I might go about getting the most for my $. As we were working on a solution, we began to discus cell phones, our teenage kids, and soon the conversation touched upon books. Her very enthusiastic recomendation for reading material was a book titled '50 Shades Of Gray' she said she saw discussed on 'The View'. After concluding our converstion, I left her with a request to drop me an email of any other books she likes. I then searched my Kindle for this highly recomended publication, and was surprised at the $30.00 price for the trilogy. Granted, it is in the top 10 list for Amazon, but we are talking about an EBOOK, for crying out loud! I am not the only one complaining either. I then discovered it was being offered cheeper on paperback! Now, that really ruffled my feathers. So, ladies, I did what any self respecting consumer would do, and searched online for the cheapest price. I have not finished my search as of yet, but I did come across the video I have published on my blog. I just couldn't help but share it. I thought it was so hilarious, and so many of us can totally identify, not quite to that extreme, but it was such a clever way to advertise, I have to give it up to the company who pulled this off... well done! If I purchase this book I'll let you know all about it, but so the price is too steep, we'll see if I cave in and buy it, or not.